Funny for some people. Traumatic for me.

OK. This is the story of my freshman year roommate (yes. one of those stories). He would probably like to remain anonymous, but for the sake of storytelling we shall call him, Josh Weaver of Plymouth, Michigan.

I found out who my roommate was 2 weeks before school started. I looked him up on facebook and we seemed to share a lot of similar interests. We called eachother to set up what we should bring (TV, Playstation, futon, etc.) and prepared for the year. I remember showing up to Henry Hall with my sister and after signing 30 pieces of paper, we walked to the last room at the end of the hall: 342 Henry. I walked inside to find that he and his family had already arrived and were setting up his side of the 10 X 16 foot cell. There stood the 5'6 chubby gutted, popped coller prep type oafish manchild with a goatee under his slack jawed grin. We had to attend the FYE seminar and we talked as we walked down to the valley dorms. He asked me a couple of questions that seemed strange like what drugs i have done and how many people i had slept with. Kinda odd for just meeting him two hours prior to that moment.

There was something that seemed a little off about him.... something I could not put my finger on. He had sort of this Michael Scott way about him, both a little too eager and childlike. Two prominent feature I found about him was his open mouth breathing (imagine a more pathetic Darth Vader) and his nightmare inducing eating habits (many a crumb would fall from his mouth as i listened to him literally inhale while eating and moan at the deliciousness of chips/popcorn/ham sandwich). He liked to be shirtless or wifebeatered at all times of being in the room, which was slightly uncomfortable for my friends in the room. I mentioned he was like michael from the office because he would try really hard to be that witty and goofy guy 24/7 (saying things like "that's what she said" or quoting "the ladies man". Speaking of a ladies man, he also believed he was the master flirt and tried to assemble a women's powderpuff game the first night (he even made a t shirt with a sharpee and a white Tee.) and later in the year tried to make a 'Women of Henry Hall' Calender which connects to this story. He also liked borrowing my clothes and hats which bothered me but I'll get to the main point of this story (sorry there is a lot of repression about this subject)

A couple weeks after I moved in, my girlfriend and I had been out at a party, and decided to head home as we desired Jimmy John's. We walk into the dorms and flash our ID to the RA's at the front desk who glared at us conspicuously as we tried to open the door as fast as we could. As we head to her room (she lives below me) we decide that JJ's deliver will take a long time at 1 AM so we go up to my room to get some ramen to help pass the hunger pains of our shriviling stomachs. I hear several voices in my room, which I assume are "Josh's" friends, and open the door. I look at several kids sitting on my futon (2 girls, 3 guys) and then quickly double take at the TV's image of two girls performing intimate coital actions upon each other. Josh stands up and quickly turns off the TV. And then my girlfriend and I just freeze for several seconds, possibly minutes (I believe I might have become unstuck in time at that moment as I replayed the scenario in my head several thousand times) [REFER TO BOTTOM PICTURE FOR A (somewhat) CLOSE PORTRAYAL OF MY EXPRESSION]. "Josh Weaver" quickly apologized and as we begin to deliver oscar worthy dialogue (fucking Forest whitaker had to take our award.
-"Sorry, we were just watching something"
-uhhh. it's OK, you were. just watching. porn. with several other people. on my futon.
(pause)
We just came to get some food and powdered lemonade...
-Oh, Ok. Well sorry bout that. I was going to wait until later in the year to tell you guys this but...
-(cringe)
-(confidently, with his gee shucks smile) I'm a Porn director. I was just showing these guys this movie I made. I won several amateur awards for it. Best editing and best girl on girl scene.
-(pause with wide eyes that would match to that of a looney tunes character)
- And I did it all without my parents finding out.
- Oh (nervous laughter) tha... that's nice.
- Do you guys want to come in and watch it.
(long Pause)
- Wow. I'm kind of too drunk for this right now (more nervous laughter as I look at the uncomfortable faces of futon lounging patrons of the adult entertainment viewing audience. They look just as weirded out as my girlfriend and I do )

Yeah. I'm gonna (point with my thumb). just gonna. sleep in her room. enjoy the.... uh.. (i just shut the door at that point)

We are no longer desire food at that moment as we walk down the hall in silence with panicked eyes locked towards eachother.
We get to my girlfriend's room and as soon as the door slams, we simultaneously switch between the words "WHAT", "OH MY GOD" and "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK!". After fives minutes of these particular word choices, we begin to laugh (I sorrowfully cry on the inside) and discuss what just occurred. We had told several of our friends about the situation, and long story short, it turned out to be an awkward year of uncomfortable silence and and similar situations. There were one too many times where I walked in too fast into the room as he slammed down his laptop and pulled up his gym shorts. Enough said.


I hope one day to write a book about this experience and be featured in Oprah's book club. Except I am not making this up like that million little pieces guy. The shit really happened.